I Merch Now

Are you or someone you know gender fluid? Do you like mildly clever wordplay? Do you enjoy a hot beverage? If you answered “yes” to any of those questions, have I got a mug for you!

Well, I don’t have it. I have one for me. The rest are in my merch store, which currently contains only this design, because I couldn’t get it out of my head and I couldn’t find an existing mug that fit the bill.

Not a fan of hot beverages? Try it on a water bottle. Or stick it anywhere you like with a vinyl sticker.

I can’t promise that future additions to my merch store will be any less niche.

https://whatnot-etc-merch.myspreadshop.com

Tandem Hacking and Pulp Science Fiction

There is a scene in next week’s Radio Cataclysm (this week’s, if you’re subscribed to the Patreon) that is quite silly. This episode covers part three of Zeck, which starts with two characters remotely hacking an enemy airship in order to reverse its tractor beam and stop them from abducting an unconscious prisoner who may be a supersoldier. That’s not the silly part.

The silly part is that the two hackers are using the same keyboard to type, and shouting technobabble that could generously be called nonsense. Before I get into the reasons this all made it through the final draft of Zeck, I’d like to introduce you to the scene that partly inspired it. Now, I’ve never watched NCIS, but I have seen one clip from the show numerous times (I dunno, more than five and less than twenty). When I first watched it, I thought I hated it. I was mistaken. There are a few versions of this uploaded, but this is the oldest I could find, and probably the one I first saw over a decade ago. It’s been simmering in the back of my mind ever since.

Incredible. It takes under a minute, but there’s so much packed in there. The only character whose name I would know otherwise, Abby the goth lab tech, discovers they’re being hacked. She starts typing furiously as pop-ups bloom like mushrooms after a spring rain. The hacker is too fast; she can’t keep up. Another character in a brown suit comes over to help, placing his hands on the same keyboard. There’s no time to question this as their twenty fingers dance a tarantella while they shout technobabble that puts Star Trek to shame. Two men walk in. One holds a sandwich and asks if they’re playing a video game. “No, Tony, we’re being hacked.” The other man casually sips from a fountain soda. This is the silver fox who’s on all the DVD covers, so I’m assuming he’s the boss. While Abby and McGee (when did I learn his name?) continue pounding away at the keys, the boss calmly walks around to the back of the machine and pulls the plug. It works because of a single line that’s easy to miss: the hacker was only targeting Abby’s machine. They need to stop them because the whole NCIS network will be next. Is that how it works? Don’t worry about it. You don’t watch Grey’s Anatomy for medical advice, and you don’t watch NCIS for InfoSec training.

If, like me, you’ve never watched this show, you can learn so much about it from this one clip. Abby is a lab tech who also has computer skills. McGee is a suit of some variety, possibly an agent or bureaucrat or something, and he also has computer skills. Tony is a meat-and-potatoes guy who’s more street smart than book smart. Soda guy is in charge, he’s calm under pressure, and he’s the boomer who knows better than the young characters. They all work for the government. For fifty seconds of television, that’s a lot of information. That’s not what makes it good, though.

It’s tempting to assume that the writers of this scene have no idea how computers work. Maybe they do, and maybe they don’t, but you cannot make that determination by watching this scene. This video made the rounds back when it debuted, and it was popular to dunk on it as an example of how clueless Hollywood is when it comes to computer technology. There are still Reddit threads about it. Read those threads, or the comments on the YouTube video, and you’ll see an occasional claim to the contrary- that the writers of NCIS, CSI, and other procedurals had an unspoken competition to see who could get the most ridiculous computer scene on air. I can’t find any real confirmation of that, but it seems closer to the truth. It seems unlikely that anybody would really believe that two people could use the same keyboard at the same time in a situation like that. It’s like painting over Cesar Romero’s mustache with Joker makeup. They know how it looks. It’s a feature, not a bug.

None of that is the reason this clip has been firmly lodged in my brain, bubbling up from time to time to time like a bay leaf in a stew. The reason it sticks with me, and the reason it clearly inspired the tandem hacking scene in Zeck, is that I can’t help wondering what it would be like if the unrealistic was real. If two people could just hop on the same keyboard in order to hack faster, how would that work? What if tandem hacking is a technique you can learn? What if the technobabble they’re shouting only seems nonsensical to the untrained ear? Perhaps it’s a coded language that hackers use in meat space, so they can talk to each other without the people around them clocking what they’re saying?

To be honest, none of that really made it into Zeck, so the silliness of the scene as I wrote it kind of has to stand on its own. I’m okay with that, because the Zeck series takes some of its inspiration from old pulp sci-fi, and there’s plenty of weird silliness to be found there. I will be exploring those ideas in Fortune’s Landing, which has a slightly more serious tone than Zeck, and features computer technology and hackers a lot more prominently.

I said above that I used to think I hated that NCIS clip, because I thought it showed the writers not caring at all about something. I learned I actually love it, because I realized that sometimes I care way too much about the dumbest things.

I'm Serializing My Fiction

Zeck was always meant to have the energy of a serial. Plans are made, but their outcome is ruled by chaos. Victory is triumphant but fleeting. Control is tenuous. Moments of quietude are all the more precious. Cliffhangers are common (if not every week). Endings may provide closure and satisfaction, but not finality.

When I completed the audiobook version of the first Zeck installment, with plans to serialize it as a podcast, this felt like the perfect combo. Each week, when an episode of the podcast debuts, the same chapter will be here on Whatnot Etc., in text form. Patreon will have early access to episodes and a variety of bonus content.

The books are still available for purchase, in paperback, ebook, and audio formats, and those are arguable easier ways to read them. But the weekly episode has always called to me.

This will continue through the serialization of Zeck vs Colonel Destroyer, and future books will be written with this format in mind. While I think these weekly installments work for the books are they are, I’ll always have this in the back of my mind moving forward. When Zeck in the Fog of War debuts, when we visit Fortune’s Landing and unravel a thorny mystery in a seaside cyberpunk neo-noir setting, I’ll be writing those stories in the serialized format I was too afraid to try when Zeck first premiered.

That being said, as much as I love long, heavily serialized stories that pay off lengthy arcs, I also appreciate it when series like that provide on-ramps for new readers/listeners/viewers. I think the best place to jump in as at the beginning, but a close second is at the beginning of any given arc. Zeck vs Colonel Destroyer has the vital info you need if you didn’t read Zeck, or forgot what happened. Fog of War will do the same. Fortune’s Landing takes place in the same universe, but is a completely separate story. I say this not to urge you to wait, but because I am trying to build a universe of fiction that rewards but does not demand. Stories that are aware of their place in a larger fictional universe, but not beholden to that in a way that makes it feel like homework.

My goal not to crush you with the weight of a fictional universe. My goal is to tell stories, and they will be fun, and sad, and horrific, and sometimes just a chill hang. And they will exist in as many formats as I can stuff them into.

Just Some Foam and a Pokey Tool

Making cobblestone streets is quickly becoming one of my favorite parts of building miniature scenes. Just a sheet of Readi-Board, an embossing tool (or a dull pencil, or a toothpick, or anything pokey but not sharp). I can spend hours doing this.

The rough texture of the foam will be covered up when it’s primed and painted. I’ve also discovered that it’s easy to hide secret messages in the lines between the cobblestones. There are none in this shot, but there will be one in the finished scene.

A sheet of Readi-Board foam, partially embossed with a cobblestone pattern in preparation for a miniature diorama

A sheet of Readi-Board foam, partially embossed with a cobblestone pattern in preparation for a miniature diorama

The Cutest of all Arachnids

I have always had, and likely always will have, a visceral fear of spiders that is impervious to logic. It doesn’t matter in the slightest that there are only a few spiders in Ohio capable of killing or greatly harming us (widows and recluses). On more than one occasion I’ve narrowly avoided wrecking my car because some tiny eight-legged daredevil chose the worst possible moment to abseil down from the driver’s side sun visor.

I like spiders. I find them interesting. Fascinating, even. But I scream and jump out of my seat at the mere hint of a brownish blob in my peripheral vision that has a greater chance of being a stinkbug than anything from the order Araneae.

With one exception.

Jumping spiders are the cutest invertebrates on the planet. They’re fuzzier than most mammals. They have eyelashes for days. They don’t creep or dangle, they just jump around like they’re nervous to be there. And they don’t trigger an iota of that skin-crawling, gut-sinking phobia that other spiders evoke in me. It doesn’t even have to be a fancy peacock spider, though if you haven’t seen them dance, you really ought to. If I saw a member of the Salticidae family the size of a mouse, I’d want it to jump onto my shoulder and perch like a parrot.

Anyway, I saw this charming lady on a sconce in our bathroom yesterday and took the opportunity to snap about a hundred pictures of her with my new macro lens. I took so many because I’m still learning how to use the new lens, but she just sat there until I managed to get a good shot and then scampered back to her hiding spot.

My wife used the Seek app to discover that this is a tan jumping spider, also known as platycryptus undatus.

Female tan jumping spider, or platycryptus undatus, on a wall sconce.

Female tan jumping spider, or platycryptus undatus, on a wall sconce.

A Selection From the Trail Cam

A couple months back, I installed a trail camera in our backyard, for the express purpose of surveilling the animals that live and visit the area behind our house. After several weeks of passive outdoor espionage, I’ve collected an array of clandestine wildlife photos.

Below, you’ll find a selection of smol beans (chipmunks and squirrels), medium beans (raccoons and groundhogs), and flying beans (birbs [birds]).

That’s all. For now! I set up this camera months ago; I have hundreds of photos and thirty second videos clogging my hard drive.

Some of the Mushrooms I Saw Today

I invite you to view and, perhaps, enjoy a gallery of some of the mushrooms I saw today at Sweet Arrow Reserve in Sugarcreek Township, Ohio. It was a hot day, muggy and oppressive, but tolerable in the shade. A beautiful spot for a hike, provided you avoid the meadows on a day such as this. There’s a giant hollow tree (not pictured; this post is about mushrooms only) you can stand inside with a partner. The local woodpeckers come in two distinct sizes. And, of course, there were mushrooms aplenty.

Disclaimer: I do not know what varieties most of these fall into, and I did not eat any of them. Not even the really tasty looking ones I found near a bunch of snake eggshells. I’ve labeled some of them, but even those identifications could be incorrect. Feel free to bring me any mushroom knowledge you have. I seek it. I crave it.

Things We Can Do Right Now

I know last week I said that I was starting a weekly feature, inspired by Samwise Gamgee, about things that are good in this world, but it's been a hell of a week.

This week, I'm going to focus on actionable things that we can do right now to help in some way. One of the leading causes of the despair I've been feeling is that I don't think I have any power to stop injustices from happening or cause any kind of meaningful change. While that's true in a sense, there are things that we can do to make a difference.

These actions might be small. They might seem like a drop in the bucket, but many drops make an ocean, and- Okay, inspirational platitudes don't really do much for me, so let's get to the good stuff.

We can donate to organizations like RAICES, the Refugee and Immigrant Center for Education and Legal Services. They've received close to twenty million dollars in donations over the past few days, but it's still not enough for the work ahead of them, which includes providing legal services for immigrants and refugees. You can make a general donation to the organization, or you can give directly to their Family Reunification and Bond Fund.

We can keep the pressure on our representatives. After days of the Trump administration alternately denying that family separation was happening, insisting that it was biblically justified, and blaming it on Democrats, Trump signed an Executive Order. It ostensibly ends family separation at the border, but is really little more than political theater. It also essentially lays out a blueprint for internment camps. The zero tolerance policy that led to this nightmare is still in place, even though 8 U.S. Code § 1158 - Asylum states that "aliens" (their words) may apply for asylum "whether or not at a designated port of arrival." Ugh. Look. it's a whole thing, and I'm getting off topic. Trump's Executive Order doesn't really solve anything, and might just end up replacing one evil with another, if it even holds up to challenges in court. But he only signed it in the first place because of the intense political pressure both from media coverage of the crisis and from people like you and me contacting their representatives in Congress and asking and telling them to do something about this. And, okay, they might not care what you think, and they might not be willing to stand up to Trump or take a day off from gutting Medicare and Medicaid, but at the very least we can make it impossible for them to honestly say that nobody has contacted them about these issues.

You can use the tools provided at the Senate and House of Representatives' respective websites to find your congresspeople. Call. E-mail. Use the contact forms on their websites. Write physical letters. Call. Especially call. Do it again. Then do it again. If you're calling, it can help to have a script or notes ready, especially if you have social anxiety. It's best if you write it yourself, so they're not hearing the same script over and over again. Just make sure you're as informed as you can be about the topic, and organize your thoughts. It doesn't have to be perfect. Just let them know how you're feeling, what you're concerned about, and what you'd like them to do.

And vote. Vote whenever you can.  Make sure you're registered. There's no time like the present. In many states, including Ohio, you can now register to vote online. Or visit your local library. Check out a book and some Summer jams while you're there.

Now I'm going get some exercise doing yardwork and maybe trembling in ball form.

Things That Humans Did That Aren't Terrible: Punch Up the Jam

It's a working title. I also considered, "Things That Bring Me Joy," "Things That Don't Send Me Into a Spiral of Depression," and "Humans: Not Always Horrible to Each Other(?)"

Things are absolutely terrible in a lot of ways right now, and while it's important to do what we can to stop the bad things and try to make the world a better place, it can feel defeatingly Sisyphean, but like if Sisyphus couldn't even nudge that boulder. It's important to take care of ourselves, too, and to remind ourselves of what we're fighting for. Samwise knows. To that end, I'm starting a weekly feature on this blog to collect and promote things that, in my opinion, are pieces of the world that do not suck, and arguably make the world better just by existing.

To kick things off, I'd like to bring your attention to my newest favorite podcast, Punch Up the Jam. Each week, Demi Adejuyigbe and Miel Bradouw dissect a well-known song, and then punch it up with a version of their own. Punch-ups range from covers, reinterpretations, and remixes, to outright Weird Al caliber parodies. Demi and Miel are friends, and it really shows. They have a natural rapport, and as funny as they are individually, when they're together, their powers increase exponentially. This show is one of the funniest things I've heard in the past year, and I listened to their entire catalogue in a matter of days. There are currently only twenty-seven episodes, which makes this a great time to get on board. I know how daunting a back catalogue with hundreds of episodes can be.

You can jump in anywhere, but I'd recommend starting with episode four, You Make My Dreams. Not only is it hilarious, it establishes a running joke that keeps coming back both when you most expect it and least expect it. You could also just start from the beginning. The first three episodes cover Christmas and New Year's songs, but they're no less enjoyable out of season. This week, Miel's dad joins the podcast to talk about What a Fool Believes, and brings some knowledge from his history as a music producer during that era.

You can subscribe to Punch Up the Jam on any of the usual podcast services.

Ten Years of NaNoWriMo

National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo, as it's popularly abbreviated) began in 1999, but I first participated in 2007. If you're unfamiliar with NaNo, you can read more about it here. Essentially, the idea is to write a 50,000 word novel in thirty days.

The first year I participated in NaNoWriMo is also the only year I've hit that 50,000 word goal during the official month. It was exhilarating, stressful, thrilling, maddening, and highly rewarding. I ended up with a 51,516 word monstrosity that contains a coherent story somewhere within it, but would require a huge amount of editing to make it remotely readable.

But, hey, the point of NaNoWriMo isn't to create a finished product. The point is to put your butt in a seat in front of a computer, or typewriter, or notebook, and produce the first draft of something that could one day be a finished product. NaNoWriMo is about quantity. The editing comes later.

With one or two exceptions, I've only participated during odd-numbered years since then. No particular reason. It's just become a personal tradition. This happens to be my tenth anniversary of NaNoWriMo-ing. I still haven't revised that first victorious mess into a readable novel. And I haven't met the word count goal in any of the subsequent years. But it has absolutely been worth it.

Two years ago, I finished and self-published my first novella, the first volume of a series called Zeck. It's about 30,000 words long, 20,000 short of a NaNo goal. Word count isn't everything, though, and that book is as long as it needs to be. It took me two years to write the sequel, which I started during NaNoWriMo of 2015. My word count by the end of that month: 15,342. The current word count on the final draft: 88,675. Even though I didn't hit the word count goal that November, I blew way past it and finished the book almost exactly two years after I started it.

I've been thinking about whether or not this will be my last year participating in NaNoWriMo. Possibly. I'll see what I'm doing around November of 2019, if the world still exists more or less as we know it. The precise rules of NaNoWriMo might just not fit with my workflow and lifestyle anymore. But I do find these periods of intense production to be useful. It just took me a while to find a balance between producing so much so quickly that I filled the pages with unusable nonsense, and revising as I go so that my production slows to a crawl. I think I found that balance with Zeck.

In any case, I've produced an appropriately low word count for the month: 4,469. Chalk it up to many things: working full time, operating at a constant level of stress and anxiety about the demagogue who's helping the GOP shit all over ninety-nine percent of Americans and keeping the threat of nuclear war at a medium simmer. Also, being November, we've had not one, but two family tragedies. Things happen.

Still, it wasn't a fruitless NaNoWriMo. I've made a good start on two different stories, one of them in a genre I haven't worked in before. Cheers to anybody who participated, whether you sped past 50,000 or scribbled two words on a cocktail napkin and threw it away.

Sequels and NaNoWriMo

I finished the sequel to Zeck today. I still have to give it one more revision, to polish up a few rough edges and catch as many typos as I can, but I can confidently say that today, I finished writing Zeck vs Colonel Destroyer.

This is super exciting to me, because I've been working on it for almost exactly two years. I released Zeck into the world in late October of 2015, and started working on the sequel during NaNoWriMo of that year, which starts November 1st. I tend to do NaNoWriMo in odd-numbered years, and finishing this book so I can clear time to work on my NaNo project is a huge relief.

Mind you, if I hadn't finished by November 1st, I'd still have kept working on it until it was finished. I didn't rush the novel to completion just so I could get it out of the way. It took the time it took, and it became as long as it needed to be, which is nearly three times as long as the first book. (Still fairly short, but novel length rather than novella.)

Longer post on all of this later. Right now, I need to shove some food into my mouth after sitting in a dark room in front of a keyboard for hours.

Zeck vs Colonel Destroyer should be out in mid-to-late November.

Take a Break

President Hobo, the weekly vaguely political bizarro serial here one Whatnot, etc., is taking a hiatus of a few weeks. Though most installments have only a tenuous connection to current events (with some exceptions), this hiatus is a result of basically getting burnt out on politics. More on that later.

I expect President Hobo to return somewhere around the Fourth of July. In the meantime, I'll be devoting my time and energy to other projects, some of which will make their way to this space.

An American Fever Dream

President Hobo: An American Fever Dream is a new weekly serial here on Whatnot, etc. It's partly an absurdist reaction to the absurdity of the current state of US politics, partly a buddy comedy road trip story, and partly a bizarro dive into the strange and multifaceted place that is the United States of America. It's my first real stab at serialized fiction, so I'm excited and terrified to see where it goes. Won't you join me in excitement and terror? Please? It's so dank and lonely here. There were others in the dark, but it's been days since the scrabbling stopped. Perhaps they escaped. Perhaps they lie in wait, biding their time until I venture out again, prodding my way along the corridors with only the sweating rock walls to guide me.

Just kidding. Not about the serial, that's happening. Here's a synopsis!

The year: 20$$. American Presidents have been outlawed. Now, more than forty ex-commanders-in-chief will have to work together if they want to save Democracy. It's a coast to coast road trip through Real America, Fake America, and all the Americas in between. From Heartland to Buttland, sea to rising sea. Is the American dream still alive, or is it nothing but a nightmare?

New chapters every Saturday.

We're All Still Processing This

Like everybody else, I have some thoughts about last week's election. And like everybody else, I'm still sorting them out. Everybody has a different take on this, and it seems like no matter who you are, what you say, or what you do, there's somebody telling you you're reacting in the wrong way, or blaming the wrong people for the outcome, or taking the wrong kind of action in response. I get it, I think. Maybe I don't. But we all grieve in different ways, and we all celebrate in different ways (although seeing people celebrate this election makes me sick to my stomach).

This post is mostly for myself. Not to make myself feel better, but to sort out some of the chaos in my head. I have to rip off this Band-Aid Brand Adhesive Bandage if I'm going to move beyond wallowing and into action. So, you know. At the moment, I don't have much to say that hasn't been said already. And I don't blame you if you're sick and tired of reading things like this. I know I am, but I keep reading them anyway.

I was feeling very fiery last night, but not so much today. That's been the whole week for me. Ready to rip Trump and his base a new hole one minute, feeling cold and powerless the next. It's exhausting, keeping up with every new atrocity. Each bigoted, anti-intellectual crony he taps for his cabinet. Each new hate crime committed in his name. Each assault. Each act of vandalism. Each instance of schoolchildren parroting hate speech at their fellow students. It's exhausting for me, and I'm in a position of privilege. I can literally only imagine what this week has been like for women, minorities, and anybody else Trump has verbally assaulted. These are things which fill me with a mixture of outrage, despondency, and guilt. Guilt because I am a white male in a heterosexual marriage, so I am among the safest of our society. But we all will be affected by a Trump presidency. We have been already. None of us live in a vacuum, whether we realize it or not. It's something I wish I could say to each patron who comes into the library and tries to tell me how happy they are that Trump won, and all I can do is tell them that I have to remain neutral, which is both a comforting escape from what would be a horrible conversation and a tacit endorsement of their demagogue's victory. They themselves might be lovely people. They themselves may not be vile, xenophobic bigots, but they voted for one, and that's not really better, it's just a different kind of bad.

But a feeling of powerlessness does not weaken my resolve, it strengthens it. Here's what I'm going to do, and it's only a start:

Keep starting sentences with conjunctions. I only do it when I think it's appropriate, but I like it and I don't care, and I also like run-on sentences.

Wear a safety pin. Cynics are calling it 'slacktivism,' but I disagree. Sure, if all you're doing is slapping a safety pin on your shirt, patting yourself on the back and calling it a day, you're not accomplishing much. If that's what you're doing, well, dang. Don't. Symbols are important. If you're going to wear a symbol, you should at least attempt to embody the things it stands for. I will not be an idle witness to harassment or assault. I will do all I can to be an effective ally, and I will always be learning how to do that better, because there is always more to learn and more that can be done.

Vote. Shit. I always vote, and I'm gonna keep voting, especially in midterm elections. It is the least we can do. I am also interested in any and every way we can fight voter suppression and disenfranchisement.

Donate money to organizations that fight bigotry and stand up for the marginalized.

And, as they say in the infomercials, much, much more. This is only a start. A drop in the bucket. We are stronger together. We are all human. And we can all make a difference. And if I repeat that enough times, I might really start to believe it.